TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically known for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, sure, let us have another place in which American Adult men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you All people a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in Trump Tower Damascus in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he should stop applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from Area, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort where my PTSD can have switch-down services."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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